So, there I had the "perfect instant family" just about everyone remarked, seeing as I had had a girl and a boy at once. Little did they know how difficult it is to care for two babies simultaneously! Maybe they should have helped with all of those late night feedings!
Somewhere along the way, in spite of doing my best, I have lost Hannah. The sweet, little, Christian girl that I raised, no longer exists. At least not in my world. The new version is unkind, swears like a sailor, self-harms, restricts food and even smokes cigarettes! She is the polar opposite of me and is becoming so much like her dad, it scares the hell out of me!
Neither Scott, nor Hannah communicate like the rest of us. If you email them, they might reply if you ask a question. Texting, no replies there either, I don't know half of the time if they've read and/or received the texts even.
I am at text number four this week with no responses from Hannah. I guess I should have stopped at three, when I officially struck out. To top it off, she called her dad to pick her up at The Emily Program on her last night, when she knew that I was already there waiting for her.
Hannah is also hiding in her physical self. While she searches for self-awareness, she now claims to be a boy. This coming from my girly girl who wore a dress to Sunday School every week! She continues to do all of the "girl activities" she has always done. She colors, knits, sews, dances, etc., she has never behaved like a boy until recently. I would accept her as a boy or a girl, but I cannot embrace something that just pops up at age fifteen and a half when she is suffering from mental illness and is on a slew of medications too.
Hannah can hide all she wants and I will continue to be here in the open for her when and if she wants or needs me. I will never give up on her, but she is choosing this fractured relationship, not me. All I ask is that she reaches out to me when she's ready.
